Kevin W. McCarthy

The Professor of On-Purpose

on-purpose

Success without Selling Out: The Hidden Cost of Being the Reliable One

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Summary: Being the Reliable One can quietly devolve into a selling-out condition called bitterness. Beware of thin-skinned, testy, tough-hearted people. They’re often former Reliable Ones who lost their way. The On-Purpose Approach shows Reliable Ones how to do their heart work and become tender-hearted and thick-skinned while being authentic to their high character traits of service and dependability. Download A 3-Step Guide for Being On-Purpose®: Success without Selling Out.

Being known as The Reliable One is a noble character quality and often a mark of success. That is, until it crosses into a mental pit called bitterness.

When you’re the one who always comes through, people don’t just appreciate you… they lean on you. They assume you can handle it. They turn to you more often, engage you more frequently, and ask you to get even more done. You relish the responsibility and recognition of your capability and contribution.

You’ve likely heard the expression, “If you want to get something done, ask a busy person.” Here’s a twist for the Reliable Ones: If you want to get something done right, ask the Reliable One.

A Problematic Pattern of the Reliable One

The Reliable One label is complimentary, uplifting, and affirming. But left unchecked a quiet and problematic pattern of selling out emerges.

You know the game. People turn to you to “just do one more thing.” And before long, you’re carrying what was never yours to carry. The danger isn’t that you’re weak. Your kryptonite is that you’re good-hearted, able, and strong.

Now you’re carrying the lion’s share of the load. Others have offloaded their work and responsibilities on you. They go home to their pleasures while you stay late, toiling. The more you step up, the more they step back.

This pattern regularly occurs:

  • Between siblings
  • Between business partners
  • Between spouses
  • Between co-workers
  • Between consultants and clients

Despite all the external accolades, on the inside you increasingly feel the weight. You brain never shuts off. Responsibility follows you everywhere. Your to-do list grows faster than you can check it off. Rest feels like a guilty luxury. Saying “no” feels like letting someone down. As the flood of needs keeps rising, you frantically patch the dam to keep everything from breaking.

Why You’re Susceptible

You are the Reliable One because of your deep desire to serve and deliver results without fanfare. This combination of humble productivity and predictability opens the door to being gradually used, even abused, by others.

It sneaks up on you until one day you ask the sell-out question: “How did I get here?”

You finally recognize that what brought you success is also what’s bringing you down. You feel foolish for being so naïve, for letting others take advantage of you. You’re exhausted, out of order, and fed up with others dumping their work on you while they merrily carry on with their lives while reaping the rewards of your diligence and effort.

And then the resentment begins.

They took advantage of you.
They rode on your back.
They took credit for your work.
They got the promotion.

Welcome to bitterness.

Bad News. Good News.

The bad news: you’re officially bitter.

Your need to feed your “success identity” as the one who gets stuff done right drained your well-being. Unbridled reliability may have built your “successful” career, business, or relationship—but it came at the price of actually enjoying your accomplishments.

Or worse, you hate that you’ve become a doormat for deadbeats.

There it is—the hidden cost of being a successful person with the superpower of reliability.

The good news: you can regain your dignity and your spark for life.

Having recognized this symptom of selling out, it’s time to own it. Don’t wallow in the blame game of what they did to you.

You did this to you. Swallow the bitter pill and let it pass through your system for what it is—psychological waste.

The Hidden Secret to Reclaiming Joy

Intellectually, you know your strength has become a weakness. But efforts to change your habits, environments, or relationships haven’t lasted.

In other words, you can change careers, spouses, bosses, and co-workers—but as a Reliable One, you’ll fall into the same selling-out pattern.

Take heart. Recovery isn’t about becoming less reliable, service-minded, or kind-hearted. Nor is it about doubling down—becoming an even more Reliable One to expose others’ deficiencies.

No. Don’t go there.

To turn bitter into better, focus on who you are—and who you are becoming. Learn to be the Reliable One for yourself. Put your remarkable superpower to work on making your own life make sense.

Help for Your Heart

Your outer work is merely a reflection of your inner work. When something is off in your outer life, the source of the problem is within.

Dig into who you are, where you want to go, how you’ll get there, and what truly matters. In deep-strategy terms, that’s your purpose, vision, missions, and values.

By discerning what matters most—and being strong enough to protect it—you are living On-Purpose.

Here’s help for your heart.

Download A 3-Step Guide for Being On-Purpose®: Success without Selling Out.
It’s a proven, simple way forward to reclaim your authentic self while still being the Reliable One who is happy and whole.

Be On-Purpose!
Kevin

Are You Still Living in Trial and Error Mode?

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This On-Purpose® Minute may rattle your cage a bit as I challenge what might be a hidden and unproductive point of view coloring your daily experience. More importantly, it may be setting the trajectory of your life far lower than it was designed to be.

Trials and errors in life are inevitable, but “trial and error” does not need to define our approach to life.

As clarity around who you are comes to light, you’ll discover a greater sense of peace despite the circumstances. Yes, the trials and errors will still come, but they won’t toss you about as they have in the past. Be clear about who you are and whose you are.

On-Purpose Peace FE cove
On-Purpose Peace is a personal or small group guidebook designed to help you be on-purpose as an explorer of your identity in the person of Jesus.

How does “Trial & Error Living” affect us?

Here’s a true account of a small business advisory client from years ago. My client came to me down and discouraged because his business was losing money and he wanted to sell it soon before the bottom fell out.

In reviewing the business, I realized that if he were to sell it there were a few things he could do to “window dress” or clean it up for sale that would make it far more appealing to a buyer. In anticipation of the sale, we began to make some of these small changes and tweaks to his systems.

Two months later, my client called to say he no longer wanted to sell the business because it was making money again; he was thrilled and wanted to keep it. Oddly enough, about a year later, he called me wanting to sell the business again because it was losing money again, albeit after a substantial growth in sales.

We went through the same cycle—cleaning up a few things for the sale and the revenues turning around. It happened yet a third time in 18 months. The third time, however, the pattern of his emotional swings rather than the business matters caught my attention.

His business was basically sound, but there was something “wrong” with the business owner.

Why was he on such an emotional roller coaster? The pattern was apparent—when the business showed bottom-line profits, he was happy. When the business showed bottom-line losses, he was sad.

It struck me that his emotional well-being was tied to a monthly financial statement. The P&L report literally colored his world in 30-day increments.

Good news—good life.
Bad news—bad life.

That’s interesting, but here’s where it got fascinating. I asked him if he knew how to read a financial statement. Of course not. He knew sales was the top number and profit and loss was the bottom number but everything in between was meaningless to him.

In effect, his emotional stability was tied to what was seemingly a random event—profit or loss.

He was a hard worker, but some months he made money and other months he lost money—it all appeared to be random to him.

He was living in trial and error mode.

I gave him a basic primer on financial statements and had him enroll at the local community college in a course called “Finance for Non-Financial People.” Once he understood his financial statements, he gained control of his business and, frankly, his emotions were not subject to the seeming randomness of the financial well-being of his business.

  • Within two years he had doubled his business.
  • He doubled it again by buying out his closest competitor.
  • He ran his business for another 10 years and eventually sold it for a handsome sum and is still living a good life off the profits he made.

He moved from trial and error to being proactive. Instead of running from his problems and ignorance, he ran into them and became educated.

Here’s the point: trial and error mode isn’t necessarily random.

Once we realize our contribution to the “randomness,” we can actually take action to make our lives much more predictable and emotionally stable and calm. Look around to see if the “randomness” is affecting other people or if they seem to be on top of it. If others have it mastered then that’s a clue to you that you’re self-selecting trial and error over leadership and learning.

  • Improve your odds of success by looking for ways to reduce your variables.
  • Be strategic instead of stuck in trial and error mode.
  • Certainty isn’t possible, but do your share to improve your chances and you’ll grow as a person and find life isn’t so crazy after all.

Sometimes the greatest benefit of a business advisor like me or a life coach isn’t what we know technically. Rather it is our outside perspective to look into your life and simply ask, “Why are you doing it that way?”

So, why are you living in trial and error mode when you could be on-purpose?

Don’t go into a new year in trial and error mode. On-Purpose Peace can guide you toward your best year ever.

Click here to receive an email when I post new On-Purpose Minutes.

How Are You Building Your Confidence?

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Gaining confidence begins with a decision to become confident.

The lack of confidence can negatively influence every aspiration and aspect of your life and work. Personal leadership and personal confidence go hand in hand.

Avoid falling prey to the “Fake it until you make it” crowd who believe in building on lies at best and self-deception at worst. Being truthful about a matter where one isn’t experienced serves no one.

Confidence comes with experience and achievement, which can’t be faked.

Confidence, however, is speaking the truth about one’s experience and achievement and allowing the miracles of graciousness and kindness of others to accept you as you are rather than pretending to be someone you aren’t.

How are you gaining and building your confidence?

Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section. Thank you!

How Good Is Your Life Plan?

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Be honest with yourself … do you know how to make a life plan?

Do you even have a plan?

Is it a written life plan?

My experience with clients and readers of The On-Purpose Person tells me very few people have any sort of a plan in place for their lives, especially a written plan. Sure, we have ideas and dreams that we ponder now and then, but to take it to the step of writing out a plan is very rare.

The process in The On-Purpose Person is a format and guide for creating a life plan that is very meaningful and gives you a strategic advantage in life.

Imagine a contractor attempting to build a house without blueprints. It makes no sense, yet many of us are building lives without the benefit of a plan.

Do you want a life plan?

Chances are you don’t know how to structure your life and process the information, so you haven’t created one. Here’s where one of our On-Purpose Personal Leadership Coaches might serve you well.

I have access to the all-time, world’s best planner. Drop me a line, briefly share your interest and the help you want. Perhaps you’ll want to meet him?

Be On-Purpose!
Kevin

The On-Purpose Person and Making Life Plans:

“Without a doubt this is the best guide I have seen for creating a meaningful life and plan.”
– Dr. Malcolm E. Hawley, DDS

“The On-Purpose Person is a valuable addition to an important and growing literature on effective time management and leadership. McCarthy brings to life and makes operational powerful ideas that will help all of us make a difference.”
– John W. Rosenblum, PhD, Dean Emeritus, The Darden School

“The best tool I’ve seen for turning good intentions into positive actions. Highly recommended for anybody, but especially for those who need a way to organize unstructured time—like clergy!”
– The Right Reverend William Frey,
Dean, Trinity Episcopal School for Ministry, retired

“What’s happened to the American Dream? Despite working harder, too many people lack fulfillment, happiness, and emotional security. The On-Purpose Person gets us back on track, organized around what really matters, and equipped with a purpose and plan for thriving in a rapidly changing world.”
– Dr. Wayne Scott Andersen, D.O.
Author, Dr. A’s The Habits of Health

“Reading The On-Purpose Person changed my life. The concepts and practical applications detailed in this wonderfully engaging book empowered me to re-focus my personal and professional goals to achieve true inner peace.”
– Gordie Allen
CEO & Professional Sales Trainer, Leads-Plus, Inc.

Are You A Success and Feeling Successful?

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Success takes on a different meaning for each of us.

For those of us with high and noble ambitions success is mostly momentary. Success opens our eyes to new vistas off on the future horizon that are only reached by going back down the mountain, into the valley, and climbing the next higher mountaintop. It’s work disguised as adventure and the exploration of possibilities.

Far too often I suffer from feelings of failure because of all that I imagine and have yet to accomplish.

Recognizing success is different, however, from resting in it.

It’s odd how sometimes I can be restful and satisfied, yet at other times so restless and frustrated. What gives with that?

Unfulfilled ambition easily draws me into being a smaller, stingier, melancholy occupant of my being. I don’t like me in these flashes of embracing failure. My 30-plus–year quest of pioneering the planet to be on-purpose continues to be a financial battle to fund the next project on the horizon. Fighting feelings of frustration, nonrecognition, and financial shortfall wear away at my heart in doses of discouragement.

When I find myself tending toward hoarding and worry, I know for a fact that my better character is not at work. That devil of fear is pounding on the door of my heart and I have to decide whether to let him enter or tell him to go away.

To regain my sense of perspective and rejuvenation, I force myself to reconsider my personal and professional accomplishments over the long haul. Counting my current blessings fills me with a gracious gratitude and a spirit of generosity.

Whether it be 30+ years of marriage, a son and daughter who make me proud, two truly best-selling books in The On-Purpose Person and The On-Purpose Business Person, and more—much more—I’ve learned that none of “my success” was done by me alone. I’ve been forever surrounded by a supportive cast of family, co-workers, friends, classmates, and colleagues who’ve each invested in my work and life. Love has uplifted everything “I’ve ever accomplished.”

Success QuoteI’ve also dealt with people who “throw bricks” by stealing, cheating, lying, and taking advantage of me when I trusted. About every 7 years I get a major AFGE (Another Frigging Growing Experience) that keeps me from a sense of self-importance.

These “lessons” have made me wiser and stronger.

The biblical concept of the tithe (See The On-Purpose Person in the chapter titled “Giving”) is remarkably practical on this point of managing success and failure. Tithing is designed to be a joyful, intentional, and proportional (10+%) expression of our time, talent, and treasure (our success). For our benefit, the tithe offers us a periodic and healthy time for reflection regardless of the size of our accomplishments.

Giving can be off-purpose when used to control, manipulate, or lord it over another. Giving is free and without strings attached. Investment, however, comes with expectations, controls, terms, conditions, and covenants. You can be a giver and you can be an investor—just acknowledge the difference when you’re in the act.

When giving, discretion and discernment are our allies. Stewardship matters. We’re not to be gamblers in our giving but we are to take risks by stretching our comfort zones so our faith and trust are extended.

Giving freely, not from duty or obligation, is the healthy outpouring of a successful soul. This kind of success and giving are knit together. You can’t have one without the other. As my friend Steve Brown of Key Life Ministries would say, “Now, you think about that.”

 

Humility Matters: Who Is Keeping You Real?

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So you think you have this on-purpose thing mastered in your work life?

Yep, as you’re getting more and more on-purpose you’re being sought and placed into positions of leadership. Your star is rising.

Now for the bad news — there’s a downside to being on-purpose.

Guard against the arrogance of being on-purpose or, ironically, you’ll end up being off-purpose.

Success can breed a winner’s arrogance versus a servant leader’s confidence and humility.

Who is keeping you grounded and real? It better be someone!

Are you a business leader looking for an executive coach to give you a true perspective on your personal self-importance reading? Below are some great referrals for you and me. Tell ’em I sent you.

1. Mary Tomlinson in Raleigh, NC. Email Mary. Mary has a stellar corporate executive background at Walt Disney World plus 16 years of being an independent coach, consultant, and speaker.

2. John Smith (yes, his real name), my mentor. Email John. John has a decades-long career in the ministry of serving CEOs.

3. Dave Vogelpohl is a senior-level business advisor with both big business experience and small business consulting insights. In recent years, Dave has been doing a lot of church consulting—when I’m not bugging him to help me sort out options.

4. Kevin W. McCarthy. Yes, I’m available for business advisory services to help individuals and organizations to be on-purpose.

Do You Know Your Gift?

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Your contribution to the life of another is directly tied to “the gift” you possess.

How well you examine and understand your gift directly influences the measure of your difference-making.

Within you is something inherently special. It is a gift that must be unwrapped, examined, and understood to be fully appreciated and enjoyed.

This gift is an expression of your purpose.

Are you ready to help others discover their gift by encouraging them to be on-purpose?

Here are some ideas:

Visit our online bookstore for more ideas.

 

Who Cares About Leading The Business?

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Leading the business carries responsibilities. Being aPurpose of Organization business advisor and strategic management consultant for more than a couple of decades, I can tell you the single, simplest, most overlooked root of more problems in organizations is the failure to articulate, communicate, and execute based on the purpose of the organization (Po). Its absence is massively expensive; its presence nourishes the corporate culture for productive and efficient growth in people and profits.

Someone in charge, however, has to care. Is that you who is leading the business?

This lack of deep strategic clarity muddles every aspect of the organization. People, process, performance, profits, customer service, and operations are just a few of the functional areas informed by a potent, simple, 2-word purpose statement. 

Yet, purpose statements are amazingly misunderstood, unappreciated, and under-engaged. In businesses, I’ve seen the benefit of the leadership team knowing and executing on their purpose produce a 25% or more increase in sales and even greater percentage increases in profits. 

Are you finally ready to set a strategic cornerstone and write your purpose statement? Remember, it is just a beginning but an essential start. I recommend that all business clients first write their personal purpose statement before they do the business statement.