Kevin W. McCarthy

The Professor of On-Purpose

Family

Are You Prepared To Lose To Gain?

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In today’s On-Purpose® Minute, let’s explore the gains to be found in loss! You might be surprised just how effective loss can be to our long-term benefit.

How do you deal with loss? What is loss?

Are you prepared to have loss in order to gain?

Locallygrown-produceCould it be that loss and—more importantly—learning how to deal with loss are simply as organic to life as the vegetable section at your local Whole Foods store?

In The On-Purpose Person, I reference fighters, floaters, fleers, and flitters as “styles” for dealing with stress and life. There, you’re encouraged to be a navigator, one who leads and manages through change rather than reacting to and being a victim of it. It takes an inherent calm and peace.

As a formerly ranked tennis player, when I have been in “the zone” on the court, I play without the stress and strain of forcing my play. Things just seem to click better. The secret to getting and staying in the zone to some degree is detaching from the usual expected outcome—to win the match.

The ability to play better comes from navigating the experience positively. It is hard to keep this “above the fray” mindset, but when one does, the body and mind are able to perform seemingly without effort.

In business, on the tennis court, or on the golf course, I’ve seen far too many talented people tighten up for fear of loss. This “choking” isn’t a personal failure; it is a growing experience if we allow it to be instructive versus destructive.

Oddly, loss is important to our health, well-being, and finances because it helps us to mature and grow.

Sailors on a ship may not be aware of the big picture or have the experience to place what is happening to the ship in a proper context. A ship’s captain, however, brings the capacity to navigate the shoals and shores safely even in a storm.

If you are learning—and we’re all life-long learners—then anticipate there are situations when you are a sailor and other times when you are a captain.

Learn from your losses, and your life passage will be calmer and more productive as you gain from each loss.

How’s Work?

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How’s work?

There’s a question we often get asked. The typical response is something like “Fine” or “OK.”

But is it really?

For many people work translates into a job—a mere means of provision to support the family. A steady income doesn’t mean a steady life.

Work isn’t necessarily fulfilling or rewarding at a deeper level.

It is just a paycheck on the way to the weekend where real life is lived. In today’s economy, it is easy to look around and feel lucky just to have the regular income.how's work

A sad reflection of this reality is the current trend of companies offering work-life balance programs in the workplace. But work-life balance is a myth. These programs, regardless of how well intended they are, reveal a sad reality on both the employer and the employee side.

Our lives and our work are so dangerously enmeshed that we need help separating ourselves from our work.

We’re workaholics in jobs that don’t really matter to us all that much. In other words, fear of loss motivates us more than what we have to gain. Too many of us are resigned to an unhealthy settling for work-life balance as an easy compromise over developing a healthy work-life integration. Have we just given up hope?

Isn’t all this talk of work-life balance code for “my job is sucking the very life out of me, but I need it to pay the bills, so I guess I will die trying to make it work”?

Fortunately, someone in HR has figured out that if we can equip you to learn work-life balance you won’t burn out or die as quickly on the job. This means you’ll keep being productive and won’t be such a drain on the company health care benefits program for a while longer.

Is it just me or is there something horribly skewed in this picture?

What if life and work are true blessings where work is a high and noble expression of our calling—and a steady income? Is this possible?

Can life and work be meaningfully integrated instead of separated and balanced?

Tell me if I’m wrong.

What Is It About This Milestone?

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(This video was recorded a few years ago, on the event of our daughter, Anne, turning 18.)

It is graduation season. Many young people—and their parents—are facing transition.

It is a milestone for young people in terms of coming to legal age. While parental responsibilities for education aren’t going away anytime soon, it does represent a passage of sorts for all of us. It also presents parents with new options as we begin living more as empty nesters.

What’s your advice to parents about redefining how to best create amazing adult children relationships?

Please share your thoughts by using the comment section below (not email) to help us have a parents’ guide to this new beginning. You’ll help a number of parents facing the same transition.

  • Are your children all adults? Having crossed this threshold, what advice do you have to offer?
  • Have you recently crossed the threshold into adulthood or do you have a memory of your 18th birthday that brings a bit of wisdom or even levity to the matter? Please share it below.

I posted this question on my Facebook page on my daughter’s birthday a few years ago. Here’s some of the advice from my Facebook friends about making a positive parent connection as our children continue to mature:

Michael McMillan – Congratulations, Kevin. Our 3 have passed that milestone, too… and I have no advice 🙂

Mary Tomlinson – My favorite example is that we go from being responsible for them as parents to becoming more of an “advisor,” and being there for them when they need us and staying out of their way when they don’t need us.

Chris Taylor – From the words of Robert Munsch, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as you’re living, my baby you’ll be.”

Chris’ quote comes from the book “Love You Forever.” When Charles and Anne were little we read this wonderful book to them over and over. In fact, it still brings a tear to my eye as I reflect on those special times with them when they easily fit in a curled arm.

Which Team Experience Would Best Serve Your Business and Life?

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This On-Purpose Business Minute originally aired in September of 2009 when I was trying to help my daughter, Anne, decide about college sports opportunities. This week I was speaking with a long-time friend about an almost identical dilemma his daughters face so I thought it was appropriate to reach out for crowd wisdom, especially those of you who might have had college sports experiences.

This On-Purpose Business Minute invites your wisdom in the comment section. Help my friend’s daughters and other high school and college athletes better ponder their decisions about college sports programs. Share your perspectives and insights by answering this question:

Which Team Experience Would Best Serve Your Business and Life?

  • To be the 26th player on a national championship caliber team? Or
  • To be a four-year starter at a smaller college?

Learn more about the UNC Women’s Soccer Program by watching the video trailer to Winning Isn’t Everything. This is a great example of an On-Purpose Team!

By the way, Anne decided to focus on her academics while at UNC Chapel Hill and not play soccer. She graduated in three years and has a great job with Automattic, the creators of WordPress, the platform for this website as a matter of fact.

As fate would have it, she arrived on the UNC campus as a freshman and on activities day discovered there was a women’s rugby club team. Fascinated, she joined the club, excelled and took to it. In fact, because of her promise shown in the fall of her freshman year, she earned an invitation to attend the College All-American & National Team training camp. She played rugby for a couple of years until she tore an ACL in her knee at a match at the University of South Carolina. Judith and I were at that match and I saw her go down on the field after making a tackle. I thought her shoulder was hurt, not her leg.

While recovering from the surgery she better realized the physical risks of rugby along with the demands of being a college athlete. She elected to stop playing her last year to focus on her studies. Today, she plays pick up soccer, her sport where she was an All-State Player in Florida; and she remains an avid fan of rugby.

Are you getting caught in the Work Trap?

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Are you getting caught in the Work Trap?Three things prompted me to write this article.

First, the realisation that I need to get my working life into perspective and to practice what I preach!

Second, an article I recently read by Travis Bradberry on ‘How successful people work less and get more done’.

Third, a few weeks ago I had a complete weekend off – went boating, caught some fish, walked and talked with my wife Angela and our chocolate brown labrador – Poppy, (yes, dogs talk too) and generally chilled out.

Nice!

So much so that Angela and Poppy have talked about it nearly every day since!

And I want to do that more often as increasingly I’m working longer hours and often over weekends too! (Those of you who own a business or have high responsibility as an employee know how easily it is to get trapped into 24/7.)

I think there is a serious condition called the Work Trap and we need time to ‘unplug’ (no longer ‘unwind’) from the day-to-day to get more perspective, think more deeply and reflect on the bigger picture of our lives.

… people who work as much as 70 hours per week
only achieve the same amount as people who work 55 hours …

A new study from Stanford found that productivity per hour declines sharply when the work week exceeds 50 hours and productivity drops off so much after 55 hours there’s no point in working any more. Apparently, people who work as much as 70 hours per week (or more) only achieve the same amount as people who work 55 hours.

Successful people know the importance of shifting gears on the weekend to relaxing and rejuvenating activities.

Those who have participated in our Power of Your Purpose programs, will recall the activity where we work together on building your ideal On-Purpose day or weekend. Both of these create space and quality time for the things that matter most – your core wants and top priorities which align with your Purpose and Values.

This might be less difficult than you think!

Activities that successful people do to create life integration on weekends

So, drawing on the post by Travis Bradberry, here are practical things that successful people do on the weekend to re-enter work on Monday morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

1. Disconnect
Disconnecting is the most important weekend strategy on this list, because if you can’t find a way to remove yourself electronically from your work Friday evening through Monday morning, then you’ve never really left work. Making yourself available to your work 24/7 exposes you to a constant barrage of stressors that prevent you from refocusing and recharging. If taking the entire weekend off handling work e-mails and calls isn’t realistic, try designating specific times on Saturday and Sunday for checking e-mails and responding to voicemails. Scheduling short blocks of time to attend to emails will alleviate stress without sacrificing availability.

2. Minimise chores
Chores have a funny habit of completely taking over your weekends. When this happens, you lose the opportunity to relax and reflect. What’s worse is that a lot of chores feel like work. So if you spend all weekend doing them, you just put in a seven-day work week. To keep this from happening, you need to schedule your chores like you would anything else during the week, and if you don’t complete them during the allotted time, you move on and finish them the following weekend.

3. Reflect
Weekly reflection is a powerful tool for improvement. Use the weekend to contemplate the larger forces that are shaping your industry, your organization, and your job. Without the distractions of Monday to Friday busy work, you should be able to see things in a whole new light. Use this insight to alter your approach to the coming week, improving the efficiency and efficacy of your work.

4. Exercise
You have 48 hours every weekend to make it happen. Getting your body moving for as little as 10 minutes releases GABA, a soothing neurotransmitter that reduces stress. Exercise is also a great way to come up with new ideas. Innovators and other successful people know that being outdoors often sparks creativity. Whether you’re running, walking, cycling or gardening, exercise leads to endorphin-fuelled introspection. The key is to find a physical activity that does this for you and then to make it an important part of your weekend routine.

5. Pursue a passion
You might be surprised what happens when you pursue something you’re passionate about on weekends. Indulging your passions is a great way to escape stress and to open your mind to new ways of thinking. Things like playing music, reading, writing, painting, or even playing with your kids can help stimulate different modes of thought that can reap huge dividends over the coming week.

6. Spend quality time with family
Spending quality time with your family on the weekend is essential if you want to recharge and relax. Weekdays are so hectic that the entire week can fly by with little quality family time. Don’t let this bleed into your weekends. Take your kids to the park, take your spouse to his or her favourite restaurant, go to the movies and go visit your parents. You’ll be glad you did.

7. Schedule micro-adventures
Buy tickets to a concert or play or get reservations for that new hotel that just opened downtown. Instead of running on a treadmill, plan a hike. Try something you haven’t done before or perhaps something you haven’t done in a long time. Studies show that anticipating something good to come is a significant part of what makes the activity pleasurable. Knowing that you have something interesting planned for Saturday will not only be fun come Saturday, but it will significantly improve your mood throughout the week.

8. Wake up at the same time
It’s tempting to sleep in on the weekend to catch up on your sleep. Though it feels good temporarily, having an inconsistent wake-up time disturbs your circadian rhythm. Your body cycles through an elaborate series of sleep phases in order for you to wake up rested and refreshed. One of these phases involves preparing your mind to be awake and alert, which is why people often wake up just before their alarm clock goes off (the brain is trained and ready). When you sleep past your regular wake-up time on the weekend, you end up feeling groggy and tired. This isn’t just disruptive to your day off, it also makes you less productive on Monday because your brain isn’t ready to wake up at your regular time. If you need to catch up on sleep, just go to bed earlier.

9. Prepare for the upcoming week
The weekend is a great time to spend a few moments planning your upcoming week. As little as 30 minutes of planning can yield significant gains in productivity and reduced stress. The week feels a lot more manageable when you go into it with a plan because all you have to focus on is execution.

Final comments

Trying to implement all of these at once will be overwhelming. So next weekend pick one or two of these to get you started. Commence with the ones that will give you the most meaning and fulfilment. Start planning your weekends intentionally. None of these will happen unless you are really serious about breaking the Work Trap.

While you are planning your next weekend, get some overall perspective back into your life and ask the big questions:

  • What is the ultimate purpose of my life, work, or career?
  • What am I living for?
  • What do I want my life to be about and stand for?

Wait for the answers to emerge from deep within you. They will come. Just give them time and space.

One more tip.

Start observing yourself more. Watch your actions and thoughts as you develop deeper self-awareness about your life and work. We are all so self-absorbed we give little time to being self-aware.

So now it’s up to you but many people find a coach useful for accountability. If you need some assistance to get you going, please give me a call or send me an email.

This is too important to be left to chance.

© Dr Edward Gifford, On-Purpose Partners®

Queensland, Australia

www.onpurposepartners.com.au

What Are Core Values?

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Purpose and values are strongly related. Purpose precedes values. Purpose is by definition good. Values without purpose being inherently good can be easily abused. Values, you'll discover, will often be in conflict.

How does one resolve a values conflict? Your purpose provides the swing vote or trump card if needed.
For example, most people would say that a value such as "Family first" makes a lot of sense. Now consider that if that family is the mob and you as a family member happen to cross the family. Another value kicks in—you cross the family, you die. Murder, even an "honor killing" is still murder.

The values came in conflict! A purpose statement that is by definition "good"—a rather biblical concept from Genesis or "of God"—has a higher probability of engaging our deeper spirit or consciousness that murder is absolutely wrong regardless of the circumstances.


I'm sharing with you this brief Simple Truths movie about core values. It offers a solid "core" reasoning for investing in knowing your values and better knowing yourself.

Are you ready to clarify and write your purpose and values plus vision and mission? Enroll today in The On-Purpose Leader Experience. The next six-week cycle begins October 23. Watch a free one-hour preview and enroll at this same site—discount prices currently show in the shopping cart, too, so you can save $50 or $70 on your enrollment for one or two persons.

On-Purpose Profile: Michelle Aguilar

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Weight loss has a definite physical component, but there is so much more to being well.  Our heart and soul, however, are what's often eating at us and why we eat to fill the void.  This video
from the I Am Second series with Michelle Aguilar, a winner of The Biggest Loser TV show, provides great insight into the cause and cure.  (Click on the image below of Michelle to watch the video.)

After watching Michelle's story, continue to view many more stories of some famous and not so famous people and why they are second.

Be On-Purpose!

Kevin

Michelle Aguilar

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Embrace Life

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SeatbeltImage via Wikipedia

All I can say is, "Wow!" 

Thank you Sussex Roads Partnership for sharing this message of seat belt use safety.  This adds a whole new meaning to buckle up, family love, and the guardian angel nature of seat belts.  

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