Kevin W. McCarthy

The Professor of On-Purpose

Mental health

Are You Prepared To Lose To Gain?

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In today’s On-Purpose® Minute, let’s explore the gains to be found in loss! You might be surprised just how effective loss can be to our long-term benefit.

How do you deal with loss? What is loss?

Are you prepared to have loss in order to gain?

Locallygrown-produceCould it be that loss and—more importantly—learning how to deal with loss are simply as organic to life as the vegetable section at your local Whole Foods store?

In The On-Purpose Person, I reference fighters, floaters, fleers, and flitters as “styles” for dealing with stress and life. There, you’re encouraged to be a navigator, one who leads and manages through change rather than reacting to and being a victim of it. It takes an inherent calm and peace.

As a formerly ranked tennis player, when I have been in “the zone” on the court, I play without the stress and strain of forcing my play. Things just seem to click better. The secret to getting and staying in the zone to some degree is detaching from the usual expected outcome—to win the match.

The ability to play better comes from navigating the experience positively. It is hard to keep this “above the fray” mindset, but when one does, the body and mind are able to perform seemingly without effort.

In business, on the tennis court, or on the golf course, I’ve seen far too many talented people tighten up for fear of loss. This “choking” isn’t a personal failure; it is a growing experience if we allow it to be instructive versus destructive.

Oddly, loss is important to our health, well-being, and finances because it helps us to mature and grow.

Sailors on a ship may not be aware of the big picture or have the experience to place what is happening to the ship in a proper context. A ship’s captain, however, brings the capacity to navigate the shoals and shores safely even in a storm.

If you are learning—and we’re all life-long learners—then anticipate there are situations when you are a sailor and other times when you are a captain.

Learn from your losses, and your life passage will be calmer and more productive as you gain from each loss.

Are Your Leadership Skills Maturing or Just Growing Old?

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Are you maturing as a leader or just getting older?

The fear of being exposed for who we really are is likely the greatest fear gripping us and keeping us from realizing our leadership potential. This is especially true for those who bought into the lie of “fake it until you make it.”

Even a “successful” life built upon posing and lies lives in the shadow of discovery. Immaturity causes us to be afraid of what other people will think of us. This sophomoric pride keeps us from growing, improving, and Fearofexposuretesting ourselves at the next level.

On the other hand, none of us are perfect. In effect, we’re all goofballs at some level in some place at some time. So get over the pretenses of perfection and live into the real you. Being authentic is in the foundation of great leadership qualities.

So how good are your leadership skills and, importantly, your leadership attitudes?

Are you …

  • Learning (for a lifetime)?
  • Leading (your life so others want to follow you)?
  • Loving (unconditionally)?
  • Leaving (the world a better place)?

Many cite the absence of leaders today. Actually, we’re suffering from an absence of mature leaders stemming from the reality that we’re still trying to figure out what to do with ourselves when we grow up.

Certainly, there’s a benefit to having a childlike curiosity and faith. But let’s talk growing up here—stepping into adulthood with both feet firmly planted on the ground as a leader of one’s life who is growing in experience, wisdom, discernment, and judgment.

Our dearth of leaders may well reflect deeper challenges—the absence of mentors and the value of relationships over time. Accepting those rationales, however, are excuses. If you want to be a leader, you’ll find the mentors, experiences, and relationships that will grow you so you are learning, leading, loving, and leaving—the four attitudes of mature leaders.

At On-Purpose Partners we serve up heaping portions of maturity through our one-on-one On-Purpose Executive and Personal Coaching Programs. Is this your time to nakedly take your place in the front of the pack?

How Do I Simplify My Life?

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Have you reached the point where you’ve said, “Something has to change! I can’t go on living like this!”? You want to simplify your life, but then you mindlessly keep filling your schedule and piling up the work at home and on the job.

Life in the fast lane requires a vehicle designed to go fast. To do otherwise is simply gambling with one’s life. You may feel blessed with the desire to run in the fast lane. But you’ve also been blessed with the wisdom to know that level of activity can’t be sustained long-term without negative consequences.

No research studies here to reference, but my gut tells me many of us are looking to simplify life with the hopes that decluttering will offer stress relief, healthier living, and a more peaceful existence. We’re running so hard and so fast, that if we ease off the accelerator of our lives for a minute, we’re apt to discover we’re lost and without direction.

We begin asking basic and solid life questions such as:

  • “What does it really mean to be me?”
  • “How do I find direction in my life?”
  • “Who am I really?”
  • “How do I simplify my life?”

The desire to simplify our lives and the act of actually doing it are easily postponed. When a car needs maintenance, a dashboard light flashes on and we take it to the repair shop or dealer. When we need maintenance, we experience headaches, stress, grumpiness, and worse. Hypertension, adrenal fatigue, weight gain, and other risky decisions keep us flying down the highway of life in ill-maintained bodies. What do we do? We pop a pill to kill the pain or turn off the indicator.

Are you at risk of running yourself into the ground at a frenzied, unhealthy pace?

“Clutter equals postponed decisions.” That’s what my friend Barbara Hemphill, author of the Taming The Paper Tiger series and professional organizer extraordinaire, says about all the stuff surrounding us. In essence, Barbara’s telling us that physical clutter is a reflection of a life of indecision.

In the On-Purpose Approach, clutter is speedily and readily managed with the Want List and Tournament process. Download the free preview to the Discovery Guide. Use this simple process to sort and set priorities. In just about 10 minutes, your brain will be better organized, your spirit more settled, and you’ll move forward more productively. Use this tool every day with your Two Do lists or anytime you’ve got a project and can’t figure out where to start.

Let me offer a different perspective for you.

What if the demands, stresses, and strains of our modern society are actually blessings that refine and sharpen us to be more of who we are and are called to be? That means you are, in fact, an on-purpose person in creation. Perhaps this current crisis is really a conspiracy of compassion designed to bring you to your knees … for prayer and prayer alone. If so, count it all joy that you have hit your low point and can only look upward.

BONUS Video: Watch Michael W. Smith’s song Open the Eyes of My Heart. This worship song has long been a favorite of mine. If you’re in a dark place today or simply need to be uplifted, let the words of this song sink deep into your spirit.

Am I Irritating The Living Hell Out of You?

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Typically when someone is irritating the living hell out of us, this bothersome behavior provokes the fight or flight impulse. While the expression is often used, what if there really is more than meets the idiom?

How many of us find ourselves or someone close to us caught in a living hell within our body, mind, spirit, and financial condition?

There’s nothing worse than this sense of hopelessness except resignation to the hopelessness and denial.

On-Purpose® is about awakening us to face our “living hell” by getting to the core of our being which by definition is good, pure, and whole—our purpose. Here is the keyhole to the escape hatch into being true to ourselves.

Choose hope!

Putting a name on our situation strengthens us to face it more directly, boldly, and successfully.

Why not experience the promise of “on earth as it is in heaven” on-purpose? Yes, I hope tshareasimage(5)his message irritates the living hell out of you … and you’ll thank me for it.

Escape Your Living Hell

On a highly selective basis, I’m looking to mentor and develop quality people who want to build a true business as a coach. This will mean learning, ongoing dialogue and development, determination, and a long-term commitment to stay the course. You’ll be helping your clients get to a healthier place in their lives in the most robust sense of well-being. For you this means work, learning to engage clients, and growing as a leader on-purpose.

Interested? Email me why you think this sounds like you. I’m conducting interviews to work with 3 people.

Why Am I Fearful?

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Does fear interfere with your life, business, or career?

What’s your fear? What are you fearful of? Where in your life do you say, “I am afraid of … ,” yet you know it is a hang-up—not a danger to your life or limb?

Would you like to be at a place where you can say, “I am not afraid” … and mean it? Read on!

Fear, like pain, is partially designed to be our friend, not our foe.

  • Fear keeps us from being in harm’s way.
  • Fear protects us from injury, peril, and even death.
  • Fear provides for self-preservation.

This is our good or helpful fear.

Bad or harmful fear debilitates our inherent motivation and destroys our confidence. The ripple effects beyond oneself can damage relationships, opportunities, jobs, finances, and more.

  • Fear can be an occupying foe taking up unjust strongholds in our spirit, mind, and body.
  • Fear can lead to anxiety that spawns a panic attack that triggers the fight or flight reaction.

This fear is unhealthy in every aspect.

Fear is not to be necessarily avoided; it is, however, to be understood.

Fear is a God-given guidepost to growth and healing. Facing fear, however, is not a solitary endeavor. Be wise and seek the help of a professional counselor or therapist skilled in working you through your fear in a progressive manner.

Why bother?

If you’re locked in unhealthy fears, your aspirations and dreams are muted.

When fear prevails it is hard to be on-purpose.

Leaders: How Is Your View of People?

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In Chief Leadership Officer, you’ll be introduced to “The Complete Competence Model” which is the next generation of “The 3 Views of People” model shared in this On-Purpose Business Minute.

Click on the image to pre-order Chief Leadership Officer until June 30, 2016 and get bonus rewards.
Click on the image to pre-order Chief Leadership Officer until June 30, 2016 and get bonus rewards.

How Is Your View of People?

Your response reveals your preferred place for leading. It tends to reveal how you view others as being competent. Until we learn otherwise, many who lead teams will project their preferred perspective onto others. It is a subtle form of, Why can’t they be more like me? Setting yourself as the standard sets everyone else up to fail which undermines the business performance.

Each person is unique and can bring a measure of unique contribution to even the most routine of work.

For example, On-Purpose Partners ships books and products from the Winter Park, FL Post Office branch. At the counter is a postal clerk named James. He resembles the comedian Joe Piscopo. James is literally a stand-up clerk offering ongoing entertaining commentary and laughter all day long. He brings out the best in his peer counter clerks as the banter between them all keeps things moving along. By the way, when the other clerks have a problem it is James they turn to. He knows his post office stuff. Many a postmaster might try to make James conform to a more “professional” decorum. Instead, he makes the wait tolerable and the service more than acceptable.

There are 3 Views of People:

  1. Expert — aspires to technical proficiency and sees the world through tasks to be done
  2. Manager — organizes teams of people and sees the world through projects
  3. Leader — sets culture and sees the world through results

Purpose informs all three points of view. This is one of the many reasons why The On-Purpose Principle is the essential basis for unifying people.

Few of us fully reside in a single view. Rather we’re a blend of all. Knowing your dominant preference, however, provides insights to job satisfaction, performance, and even future advancement. 

This speaks to the nature of fit. As a business advisor for over 3 decades, I’ve come across all kinds of challenges in organizations. One of the best disguised is this problem of poor fit between a person’s view of people and their role and responsibilities on the job. It is an often overlooked dimension that can create disasters or delights.

Years ago when I worked at a company, I was part of the hiring process for a property manager. When I asked this woman what she thought was her weakness she bluntly stated, “I don’t like people.” I shared my concerns with the hiring manager who hired her anyway. She was a good property manager (technical), but wreaked havoc in the office relationships and with tenants (manager). She so fouled the workplace that no one wanted to work with or for her (leadership). Even vendors complained.

The Complete Competency Model isn’t just a makeover of the Peter Principle which states that people eventually rise to their highest level of incompetency. People view may be one of the underlying causes of poor job performance and fit.

When there’s good alignment or fit between the person and the work, people view melts away and can often be taken for granted. Like good health, when we have it we’re prone to forget about it. But once we’re sick or injured we so appreciate what we used to have.

After watching this On-Purpose Business Minute, assess your people view with your job fit. What you discover about yourself could be very enlightening and rewarding to your long-term health, job satisfaction, and earning capacity. Coming to terms with this, however, may be another matter all together.

Having worked with business leaders and CEOs over my career, I’ve seen firsthand the price that is paid by a person and an organization when there is a clash of people view and the requirements of a job. Because my work is most often in the C-Suite, I’m especially alarmed when I find a “leader” who is really put off or bothered by people. They may be respected experts in their field, but they have little to no aptitude for leading and managing. That’s fine, but why have them lead? (When I raise this matter, it often gets tenderly complicated for me, the business advisor, when the misfit is the managing director, owner, or CEO of the enterprise. In some cases, however, this brings a sense of relief for the person because they better understand who they are and we can develop a plan of improvement or a workaround.)

On the other hand, the best leaders love and care for people, are effective at managing, and have mastered tasks sufficiently to have paid their dues and risen through the ranks to have the respect of their reports. Ultimately, it is their people skills that create the separation from good to great leadership.

True leaders are culture creators by design, not by default. Typically, they’re not the go-to expert in various fields, disciplines, or technologies. Their currency comes in denominations of their presence, decisions, manner, and tone. They get people working together. Leaders press the flesh and are visible. This isn’t out of ceremonial duty, but from a genuine love and respect for the people who follow their lead. Leaders are often reflective and thoughtful, and they know how to set healthy boundaries to avoid burnout and bitterness for others and themselves.

CLO cover 1
Chief Leadership Officer will rock your leadership perspective for good! Click the cover to learn more.

Do yourself a favor and take today’s message to heart. Where are you? Where would you like to be? If you need help creating your culture so it is on-purpose, then email us to consider some On-Purpose Executive or Personal Coaching. 

How’s Your Self Talk?

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Have you ever tried to break a habit? At best, it is an awkward experience because we take ourselves off of “autopilot” and go into a “manual” mode. Things we didn’t think about … now we do. And when it comes to breaking bad habits, the bad habit can preoccupy our thinking. As a result of this heightened tension, our discomfort is more apparent to us.

Athletes learn to expect that performance may get worse before it gets better when they’re creating a new habit. Progress, not perfection, is the healthy standard of measure. Staying optimistic can be difficult in the midst of change. Remaining positive, however, is a matter of choice. Decide to stay upbeat and you will! You’ll also benefit by focusing on learning instead of “loss.”

Try the AAA Method: AAA = Awareness + Alternatives + Act on it!

Awareness, developing alternatives, and acting upon your better/best intentions (AAA) is preventive medicine for the sanity of the soul. 

Habits are defined as acquired behaviors. The implication here is that if we acquire new habits, then we can also dispose of and replace bad ones. Now there’s hope!

It’s easy to imagine our life with the benefits of our new habits. Here are some examples:

  • Smoking cessation brings savings of money; no smoky smelling breath, clothes, car, and home; and better health.
  • Getting to a healthier weight resolves or mitigates a host of weight related conditions and diseases, such as Type 2 Diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. Joints and backs with less weight are happier and less creaky.
  • Centering prayer, meditation, or deep breathing can reduce stress and free the mind to think more clearly.
  • Tracking your spending helps you plug wasteful expenditures and impulsive buys. You can increase your savings.

Envisioning new life is easy. Making it happen is not so easy! The underlying premise is that we’re capable of far more than we understand or we will push ourselves. That’s why so many people turn to coaches to assist them for accountability as well as training.

I’m a fan of the Discovery Channel series, Surviving the Cut. While each branch of the U.S. military is training its soldiers for different missions, one consistent theme comes across — these soldiers have very real probabilities of facing life and death situations in the field. They need to understand that they are far more capable than they know and understand. Learning to manage fear is part of their job. Rarely are the cadets in real danger. Therefore, to a large degree the mental challenges exceed the physical hardship. 

Your self talk matters. If you identify yourself with words like failure, slob, worthless, insignificant, wasteful or stupid, then you’re pronouncing lies into your present and carrying them into your future. To what benefit is this? Now that you’re Aware — Stop!

Come up with a list of Alternatives for your identity: successful, neat, worthy, significant, thrifty, and smart.

Now Act on them. If you don’t act on them then they’ll never develop and be fully assimilated in your life. This is the essence of personal leadership — the ability to turn it around by yourself or by having the humility to get the help you need.

Purpose and Passion

Personal motivation — a compelling reason, a why, a purpose — combined with a willingness to pay the price — passion — defines the outcome. That said, extraordinary moments of truth emerge in the midst of the ordinary that test our purpose against our progress. Positive thoughts may get us started but will they sustain us? We choose!

No matter the outcome, you’re learning about you! Knowledge is powerful when put to good use, such as your self talk. So even if you don’t accomplish what you set out to do, you’re learning something new about yourself. Use your Awareness to develop an Alternative strategy that you Act upon (The AAA Method).

Moments of truth appear in our self talk: good and bad. Let’s not go down the self-deceptive path of mindless affirmations, positive talk, or positive mental attitude. Be real with yourself. 

Get to the guts of the matter, the real inner conversation. The ones haunted by doubt, fear, anger, discouragement, disappointment, and hopelessness. Be equipped to choose to win which is why I encourage you to put the AAA Method to work when your self talk becomes self-defeating.

Cover of Cover via Amazon

It is like there’s a debate team living inside you. Who will win? How’s your self talk coming along? Use the AAA Method to intervene on behalf of your new, better habit. You’ll be on-purpose and better for it.

Recommended Reading: Read Pat Pearson’s book STOP Self Sabotage. I like the way this lady thinks. She brings great depth to the topic. She’s a casual business acquaintance so I can personally say that I have respect for her work.

Are You Setting Goals?

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This is a classic On-Purpose Minute that first aired in August 2010 so the September offer regarding The On-Purpose Leader Experience is out of date. Alternatively, consider reading The On-Purpose Person and downloading the free preview to The Discovery Guide.

Another option is On-Purpose Peace, a six-session, small group study for Christians reading The On-Purpose Person. 

Goal setting is really the poor man’s way of doing strategic planning. Guess what? For about 95% of what you want to accomplish, writing out your goals will get the job done. If you want to take something to the next level, however, you’ll need to invest in strategic thought and planning. Otherwise, you’ll remain mired in mediocrity.

Research shows that as few as 1% to as many as 10% of all people write down their goals. Why not more people? Here are some of the excuses I’ve come up with. What’s your reason for not setting goals?

  1. I don’t have time to write goals.
  2. I’m not really sure that’s where I’m supposed to focus my effort and energy.

    Marine Institute Ireland, Strategic_Planning_S...Image via Wikipedia

  3. If it is meant to be, then it will happen.
  4. Goal setting is a waste because my goals never come into being.
  5. Who am I to set goals?
  6. No one else I know sets goals.
  7. I don’t know how to write a goal.
  8. What if I don’t reach my goal?
  9. What will other people think? They might think I’m crazy.
  10. I have too many goals to write them down.
  11. I don’t believe my goals can be realized or are realistic.
  12. Goals don’t motivate me.
  13. Goals are too basic for what I need to get accomplished.

Behind every rationale for not setting a goal is a tragic assault on hope and possibilities fed by irrational thought. OK, so maybe you don’t have Killer Goals; that’s still no reason for not learning the process and getting started. In fact, set that as your first goal.

Lose the Excuses, Gain Your Sanity.

Be On-Purpose!
Kevin